DON’T . . .
1. Regret anything. You’re too damned late and you’ll be dead before you get the chance to put it all right.
2. Queue, unless you can blag your way to the front. Anything you want to see is on the telly or in a book.
3. Try to understand men. Stop. You never will. They aren’t just from Mars; they are from another solar system yet to be discovered by real humans.
4. Get your tits out for the lads. You should have stopped doing that 20, or even 30, years ago. No one wants to see them.
5. Believe in God. He ain’t there.
6. Drink and text. You can’t hold your alcohol as well as you used to, and you have never got to grips with your iPhone touchpad screen.
7. Run up an escalator that is going downwards. You won’t make it. Trust me on this one #paramedicsalert.
8. Get in touch with exes on social networking. They really have moved on. You should, too.
9. Take up ice-skating. Are you nuts?
10. Tell the doctor how many units of alcohol you drink. They really do know that 13 means 30 (plus).
11. Tell anyone that William Hartnell was the best ever Dr Who.
12. Sleep on the sofa because you can’t be arsed to walk 10 feet to the bedroom.
13. Mistake the hallway white table for the toilet in the middle of the night . . . Just me, then?
14. Think that topping yourself is the answer to everything. You’ll never find out whether it really was.
15. Lose touch with your oldest friends. They’ve stuck with you this long, so you can’t be all bad.
16. Talk to yourself on the street. Nobody likes a loony.
17. Think you will ever be rich. You won’t. You have left it way too late.
18. Have Botox. You will look like a pastry case with no filling and people will wonder why you are smiling when they tell you their entire family have been killed in a plane crash.
19. Buy a dog. It could well outlive you and probably have to be put down once it has paid its respects by urinating on your grave.
20. Get married – unless there is loads of money, loads of sex, or a Green Card in it for you.
21. Take advice from people. They are only ever talking about themselves.
22. Think that life was so much better when you were poorer. At least you get to cry over a glass of champagne now, rather than tap water.
23. Wear a bikini. You will just look like an underdressed tree trunk.
24. Think you can make someone fall in love with you. They will or they won’t. It’s that simple. And that complicated.
25. Start looking up every ache and pain on Google, or you will think you have 5 minutes to live.
26. Check the gray in your pubic hair. It will really depress you.
27. Check the gray in any lover’s pubic hair; that will depress you even more.
28. Believe a 20-something year old when they say they are attracted to your maturity. For “maturity”, read “no strings-attached leg-over”.
29. Go platinum blonde in an effort to look younger. You will only end up looking like Myra Hindley’s less attractive sister.
30. Contemplate any relationship with a man unless he is one who will put out the garbage.
31. Accept lifts from strangers. You never learned that one, did you?
32. Try to win a goldfish or coconut at the fairground. You never did during the first five decades of your life, so what makes you think your luck is going to change now?
33. Buy a gun. You will only end up using it and end up in a box six feet under, or on Death Row.
34. Say that you aren’t going to cry the next time you watch ET. You will. Keep a very large bucket by you at all times.
35. Watch Titanic. Life really is too short for that. And you know the ending anyway. It sinks. See? I’ve saved you the trouble already.
36. Believe anything anyone ever tells you about penises. Especially men. And lesbians.
37. Believe a pilot when he says you are experiencing “a bit of turbulence”. You are closer to death than you know.
38. Cry yourself to sleep. Come sunrise, your face will look as if it is nursing two baked potatoes under your eyes.
39. Ever try to help the police with their enquiries. You’re a suspect.
40. Start watching the Law and Order SVU marathon – because it never stops, and life as you know it will be over forever.
41. Say the C word in the USA, or, if you speak Russian, the P word. “Prick”, however, is apparently perfectly acceptable.
42. Breast-feed in public. Especially if you don’t have a baby.
43. Start wondering if you are gay because you’ve never been married. You opted quite early on which side of the Penis vs the Furry Cup argument you were on, and there has been little evidence to prove you were wrong.
44. Give up your seat to anyone on public transport, no matter how old, pregnant or infirm they are. You’ve been through shit, too; you’ve earned your spot.
45. Try to rescue anyone appearing to be in trouble in the sea. They are waving, not drowning. You, however, will drown.
46. Keep checking your phone. He hasn’t called. Never will.
47. Think too much. It’s never got you anywhere.
48. Lend anyone money. Borrow to your heart’s content, but don’t lend.
49. Get into debt. Oh, too late.
50. Start making lists of how your life has changed since hitting 50.
50. Start making lists of how your life has changed since hitting 50.
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